Fuck This

Fuck me. I'm fucking doomed. Because I'm going to have to explain to Leaves why I'm on his doorstep with no notice, and there's no way I'm telling him the truth.

What actually happened: I got my vape back from the Vermissian and smoked a lot before I fell asleep. I honestly thought it was justified given the fucking day I was having but damn. Today's setting up to make that seem like nothing. So I woke up and had to go meet Kovach and Maewin, and I'm still fucking high so I showed up at whatever that place Kovach lives above is called and of course he was already there. He got a letter from Mes. Simon and now we're supposed to be going to this gala. And Leave's name is circled on the invitation so he's important in whatever this whole scheme is.

And fucking hell Maewin was already there too. Good to see her, glad she's okay, all of that stuff. I was worried for her last night. She talked to Ryanton and I guess now I kind of see what the people who tried to kidnap us might have meant when they said her “grand goals” were the same as the ministry's. She's trying to set up a pyramid scheme but I guess she's also trying to make some kind of change in Spire? But Maewin got to asking what Kovach and I were doing at that class and I didn't have a good answer and now she knows something's up.

And fuck I wish I had a good answer for her. But what am I supposed to say? “Oh, we're just trying to figure out who ordered the assassination of the captain of the guard because he was on the take for our rebel organization?” I don't think so. “I have friends in high places and you asking questions would have consequences for me?” Telling someone they can't ask questions is just going to make them ask more questions. “You're really pretty, let's just fuck until you forget you were suspicious of me?” As if she'd ever be into a fucking art project. Fuck. This is exactly why I keep to myself.

I'm so sick of people judging me. First Mis. Dobbs, then Delta, now Maewin, I'll bet money Leaves is next but at least I'm stuck with him.

At least I got to fill in Kovach on everything that happened with Hemlock. But while we were talking I let it slip that I actually really wanted an excuse to meet Leaves, and I'm just hoping that doesn't get addressed. Say what you will about the man, at least he foots the bill for my rent. And the ivory. As much as I whine, I'd rather die than have him call it quits. He's actually a decent guy, I swear. He just hasn't thought through the implications of torture opera as a genre. And unlike everyone else, he actually gives a shit about what happens to me.

But now I have to get information out of him and I have no idea how. I can ask if he has plans tonight because now I know he does. If he decides not to just tell me what's going on…I guess we'll figure it out. As if that's something I do well.

What I'm going to tell him: I split my shoulder open climbing out that damn window and that's as good a reason as any to need to see him. I'll just tell him I fell. That's not even a lie! Kovach… we'll figure it out. I'm high as fuck and there's no way I can act 100% sober. If Kovach says he wanted to keep an eye on me, Leaves might buy it. I don't even think that's a lie.

I'll see if I can get Kovach on board. If not, I guess I have to wing it. Not like that's been going well for me so far. I just really can't let Leaves get wind that I want to overthrow the entire system that got him to where he is. Because then there goes my rent money and my life and my entire fucking purpose.

Okay. Just stop thinking about it. Pull yourself together, Faeryn. Fuck. Remember what he told you. He made you what you are. He promised he'd take care of you.

Leaves made me what I am. He'll take care of me.

Leaves made me what I am. He'll take care of me.

Leaves made me what I am. He'll take care of me.